THERE ARE TOO MANY STARS BUT NOT ENOUGH SKY

MY HEART'S CREED

I have always kept the creed in my heart that someone, somewhere under the motley mood of heaven, a beautiful, exclusive flame shall ignite my heart. He shall embrace every part of me. And shall accept me for who I really am. He shall partake in the Covenant of Love with me, and shall consecrate my heart’s fulfillment. I bore this conviction everywhere I go, along with the faith that I so long kept no matter what the sky’s shade is. I kept my arms gingerly open. For years, the creed that I beheld kept me sane and breathing. And on a few but rhythmic moons, it also kept me insane and bleeding. It tortured me a lot. One might say I’ve missed a lot of glorious moments a single woman would take pleasure in. But I was determined to chase my heart’s creed. Yes, I was a virgin for 23 years. I withstood the cravings of the flesh. It was not easy. It was a conflicting mental, emotional and physical torture. Many times, I would think it was becoming a curse. My corporeal needs contradicted my heart’s desire. I wanted to preserve my self for a more profound cause. It was an old fashion way of declaring my devotion to the one exclusive flame I have yet to meet. I have made up my mind. There’s no point in changing. There's no point in stopping.


SHATTERED SHADOWS, SACRED SCARS

I know how a broken heart beats. I know how a cold night attacks. Moonless heaven, dead stars and empty shadow; they are dark and dreary; dangerous and deadly; but they too are part of this crazy, obscure theater called life. They leave scars I know. But the scars they leave are to be treated sacred. The very scars etched, I still wear with bearing and pride. The sacred scars narrate the story of my life. They made me stronger. They taught me valuable lessons. The sacred scars remind me time and again what I’ve withstood. And it shall remain a constant emblem of what is to come.

THOSE WHO MUST BE KEPT

I. Rhythms and Lullabies

In solitude, I was never really alone. I had secret companions to which I owe a great deal. I thank them for keeping me company. I thank them for being my muse during my fruitful hibernating days. My deepest gratitude belongs to my literary companions: Emily Dickinson, Edgar Allan Poe, Neil Gaiman, Anne Rice, Oscar Wilde, Charles Dickens, Leo Buscaglia, Brahm Stoker, Poppy Z. Brite and all other writers I came across with, sharing me their gift to maneuver beautiful words that caused me a tear, a spark or a smile. Music of course defined every biting moment. I pay reverence to Tori Amos, Jewel, Cynthia Alexander, Fiona Apple, Smashing Pumpkins, Rage Against the Machine, Led Zeppelin, Nine Inch Nails, Echo and the Bunnymen, Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance…and the list goes on…they have no idea how much effect they have over me. (I love the way we keep in touch). They made darkness bearable. They made hibernation meaningful, beautiful and essential.

The sweet sound of silence revealed its course. In silence, I heard my own lullaby. It taught me what I would never learn from hearing the everyday sounds my ears have become accustomed to. My own vibration revealed---my very own self. And so by listening to my very own, I’ve unraveled the greatest mystery in life; that is greater than the mystery of death . It is beautiful and the most essential element in life. It is the mystery of Love! Love. To love! The alpha and the omega. The only truth that one must discover and experience within, before one must impart.

II. Circles and Spirals

The mystery is moving in circles and spirals. So is the course of discovery. They complement each other. The spiral is a circle that does not wish to end where it began, but pushes upward and downward in a circular motion. That’s how the beauty of mystery and discovery moves for those who succumb to it. I’ve learned to let myself flow in circles and spirals. I’ve become one with nature. I’ve indulged in every twinkling detail life has graced me. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve learned life's valuable lessons the hard way. they've made me stronger and wiser. The course of learning becomes more beautiful as you age. It becomes more intoxicating. It gives you more drive to live life. It opens more dorrs of possibilities.

IN BETWEEN DAYS

Don’t get me wrong. I had quite a few important relationships before. I could make a fortune writing about the bitter sweet love symphonies of my past. I enjoyed it while it lasted. I tried to always give it my best shot and have always hoped for the best— predominantly hoping it would be the one exclusive flame I’ve been priming all my life. Nevertheless, they were all special to me, in one way or the other.

I have always been careful and cautious in dealing with men. I was so determined and guarded. Yes I would fool around, but then it would always just end up hanging. But many times, I was already on the verge of giving in. Good riddance! My precious tears would be my last resort!!! Hahaha! Me and my sick head! Sorry guys! It’s just between me and my heart’s creed. But believe me, we both suffered! Suffered my desire!

Building relationships is a long process of trial and effort. From a different perspective (being in the arms of the one you truly love), the past relationships I had were filling but not fulfilling. At the time I was at it, I knew from the very depths of my soul that my heart remained reserved. It remained guarded. I’d say it was more for survival. For the time being, it was essential. Essential because it was in preparation for the sweet arrival of the exclusive flame I’ve been waiting for.

I didn’t really preserve myself for someone I’ll walk the altar with. I may be old fashioned but wedding was not something that was ultimate and final. It’s more of preserving myself for the coming of my heart's exclusive flame.

UNGUARDED MOMENT

It’s just one of those ordinary days when you just do things the usual way. We grew up in the same village and had even been childhood enemies a long time ago. At the prime of my youth, we had regular drinking sessions with common friends. He had a long term serious relationship at that time. I had spur-of-the-moment affection with some silly guy. I knew him for many, many moons. I became part of his circle of friends. Our treatment to each other was very casual. Although I must admit that I've always felt the gravity of attraction pulling me towards him. His savage mystique's just too hard to resist. The short introductory conversations we had little by little have led to longer hours of talks. And the loger hours of talks led to a vigil of wider and deeper connection. We share the same music, the same passion and same eye for beauty. He was a sweet delight. We would spend hours on the phone just talking about anything under the sun. There were uncomfortable silences. But those silences were moments to blush, to sigh, to pause and to secretly smile. I suddenly came to the realization that I was already entrusting myself to this man. He's become my everyday bread--nourishing my mind, my body, my heart and my soul. During my unguarded moment, love has found its way to finally consecarate my heart.

The long talks went on and on. I was addicted to the endless conversations and the sleepless night. We have unconsciously formulated our secret language of love----the language in which only lovers could relate to and understand.