THERE ARE TOO MANY STARS BUT NOT ENOUGH SKY

MY HEART'S CREED

I have always kept the creed in my heart that someone, somewhere under the motley mood of heaven, a beautiful, exclusive flame shall ignite my heart. He shall embrace every part of me. And shall accept me for who I really am. He shall partake in the Covenant of Love with me, and shall consecrate my heart’s fulfillment. I bore this conviction everywhere I go, along with the faith that I so long kept no matter what the sky’s shade is. I kept my arms gingerly open. For years, the creed that I beheld kept me sane and breathing. And on a few but rhythmic moons, it also kept me insane and bleeding. It tortured me a lot. One might say I’ve missed a lot of glorious moments a single woman would take pleasure in. But I was determined to chase my heart’s creed. Yes, I was a virgin for 23 years. I withstood the cravings of the flesh. It was not easy. It was a conflicting mental, emotional and physical torture. Many times, I would think it was becoming a curse. My corporeal needs contradicted my heart’s desire. I wanted to preserve my self for a more profound cause. It was an old fashion way of declaring my devotion to the one exclusive flame I have yet to meet. I have made up my mind. There’s no point in changing. There's no point in stopping.


SHATTERED SHADOWS, SACRED SCARS

I know how a broken heart beats. I know how a cold night attacks. Moonless heaven, dead stars and empty shadow; they are dark and dreary; dangerous and deadly; but they too are part of this crazy, obscure theater called life. They leave scars I know. But the scars they leave are to be treated sacred. The very scars etched, I still wear with bearing and pride. The sacred scars narrate the story of my life. They made me stronger. They taught me valuable lessons. The sacred scars remind me time and again what I’ve withstood. And it shall remain a constant emblem of what is to come.

THOSE WHO MUST BE KEPT

I. Rhythms and Lullabies

In solitude, I was never really alone. I had secret companions to which I owe a great deal. I thank them for keeping me company. I thank them for being my muse during my fruitful hibernating days. My deepest gratitude belongs to my literary companions: Emily Dickinson, Edgar Allan Poe, Neil Gaiman, Anne Rice, Oscar Wilde, Charles Dickens, Leo Buscaglia, Brahm Stoker, Poppy Z. Brite and all other writers I came across with, sharing me their gift to maneuver beautiful words that caused me a tear, a spark or a smile. Music of course defined every biting moment. I pay reverence to Tori Amos, Jewel, Cynthia Alexander, Fiona Apple, Smashing Pumpkins, Rage Against the Machine, Led Zeppelin, Nine Inch Nails, Echo and the Bunnymen, Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance…and the list goes on…they have no idea how much effect they have over me. (I love the way we keep in touch). They made darkness bearable. They made hibernation meaningful, beautiful and essential.

The sweet sound of silence revealed its course. In silence, I heard my own lullaby. It taught me what I would never learn from hearing the everyday sounds my ears have become accustomed to. My own vibration revealed---my very own self. And so by listening to my very own, I’ve unraveled the greatest mystery in life; that is greater than the mystery of death . It is beautiful and the most essential element in life. It is the mystery of Love! Love. To love! The alpha and the omega. The only truth that one must discover and experience within, before one must impart.

II. Circles and Spirals

The mystery is moving in circles and spirals. So is the course of discovery. They complement each other. The spiral is a circle that does not wish to end where it began, but pushes upward and downward in a circular motion. That’s how the beauty of mystery and discovery moves for those who succumb to it. I’ve learned to let myself flow in circles and spirals. I’ve become one with nature. I’ve indulged in every twinkling detail life has graced me. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve learned life's valuable lessons the hard way. they've made me stronger and wiser. The course of learning becomes more beautiful as you age. It becomes more intoxicating. It gives you more drive to live life. It opens more dorrs of possibilities.

IN BETWEEN DAYS

Don’t get me wrong. I had quite a few important relationships before. I could make a fortune writing about the bitter sweet love symphonies of my past. I enjoyed it while it lasted. I tried to always give it my best shot and have always hoped for the best— predominantly hoping it would be the one exclusive flame I’ve been priming all my life. Nevertheless, they were all special to me, in one way or the other.

I have always been careful and cautious in dealing with men. I was so determined and guarded. Yes I would fool around, but then it would always just end up hanging. But many times, I was already on the verge of giving in. Good riddance! My precious tears would be my last resort!!! Hahaha! Me and my sick head! Sorry guys! It’s just between me and my heart’s creed. But believe me, we both suffered! Suffered my desire!

Building relationships is a long process of trial and effort. From a different perspective (being in the arms of the one you truly love), the past relationships I had were filling but not fulfilling. At the time I was at it, I knew from the very depths of my soul that my heart remained reserved. It remained guarded. I’d say it was more for survival. For the time being, it was essential. Essential because it was in preparation for the sweet arrival of the exclusive flame I’ve been waiting for.

I didn’t really preserve myself for someone I’ll walk the altar with. I may be old fashioned but wedding was not something that was ultimate and final. It’s more of preserving myself for the coming of my heart's exclusive flame.

UNGUARDED MOMENT

It’s just one of those ordinary days when you just do things the usual way. We grew up in the same village and had even been childhood enemies a long time ago. At the prime of my youth, we had regular drinking sessions with common friends. He had a long term serious relationship at that time. I had spur-of-the-moment affection with some silly guy. I knew him for many, many moons. I became part of his circle of friends. Our treatment to each other was very casual. Although I must admit that I've always felt the gravity of attraction pulling me towards him. His savage mystique's just too hard to resist. The short introductory conversations we had little by little have led to longer hours of talks. And the loger hours of talks led to a vigil of wider and deeper connection. We share the same music, the same passion and same eye for beauty. He was a sweet delight. We would spend hours on the phone just talking about anything under the sun. There were uncomfortable silences. But those silences were moments to blush, to sigh, to pause and to secretly smile. I suddenly came to the realization that I was already entrusting myself to this man. He's become my everyday bread--nourishing my mind, my body, my heart and my soul. During my unguarded moment, love has found its way to finally consecarate my heart.

The long talks went on and on. I was addicted to the endless conversations and the sleepless night. We have unconsciously formulated our secret language of love----the language in which only lovers could relate to and understand.

My Own Personal Reasons and Thoughts On Losing Weight

Here's a list of reasons why I want to lose weight
This should serve as a reminder and encouragement altogether.


1. I should still be at my prime beauty. I should still celebrate being a woman.
I should still
enjoy the privilege of being a woman.
2. I want to be part of my daughter’s future. I want to witness her fall in love,
fall out of
love and be there when she needs me.
3. I want to grow old with my twin soul, Allen. I want to enjoy old age with him.
4. I want to live and maintain a healthy lifestyle and inspire others to do the same.
5. I want to enjoy dressing up again…going to a shop and being able to pick any
clothes that fit my size. It’s really hard for me to shop because only a few
stores offer super duper sizes.
6. It’s hard for me to pick up something. My face turns bloody red and I can
hardly breathe.
7. I want to rebuild my confidence. When I gained a lot of weight, I realized how
inhibited I have become. I want to be liberated from nonsensical thoughts.
I want to stop feeling sorry for myself.I got myself into this,I can
definitely get myself out of it.
8. I want to be able to wear a fashionable swimwear without the anxiety of
being so conscious
about my flabs.
9 .I want to show off my long, flawless legs…hehehe
10. I want to realize my dad’s wish before he died.
11. I want to make my husband happy and give him my long overdue birthday present.
12. I want to make my daughter happy and hopefully inspire her to live a healthy life.
13. I don’t want to hide anymore from my past significant others, really old
friends and old acquaintances when I chance on them. It’s so pathetic I know.
No matter how excited I am to catch up with them, my fear of being derided
and being the core of the conversation overwhelms me.
14. I want to feel good about myself.
15. I want to take pleasure in looking at myself in the mirror.
16. I want to take good car of myself. I deserve it after all.
17. I don’t want to hide from the camera. I want to look good on pictures.
18. I want to know what a hot mom is like.
19. My body is God’s temple. I have to treat it as it is.

The Price I have to Pay In Pursuit of Pleasure

My health is deteriorating because of indulgence in food. I have been a vegetarian for 3 years, but have decided to eat meat when I got pregnant because my doctor told me I needed protein to nurture my little Xafire (inside my womb). Since then, I have stopped eating healthy food and feasted on every delicious food I can possibly have. My lifestyle has also changed. I work graveyard, which is favorable to me because I am nocturnal. My food indulgence became worst. When I get home, I gobble before I sleep, then I wake in the afternoon and join my husband and daughter for a lunch meal. I go back to sleep once I feel full and bloated. I wake up in the evening and prepare for work. Of course I eat dinner, which to my body clock, should be called breakfast. I eat a lot because I rationalize that I need more energy to survive work. At work, I eat junk and eat another full meal which serves as my lunch meal for my nocturnal life. My work involves a lot of sitting. I hardly walk. I hate exercising. I love eating meals in between. I hate doing household chores. And I love cooking. I love everything that’s deliciously sinful. I love cake, ice cream, chocolate, fried chicken, pasta, burger and fries, bacon, eggs, butter, and junk food; everything you could ever imagine. And I love dining out! I no longer eat vegetables. I lived an unhealthy lifestyle for 4 years. I gained so much weight. Presently, I am 204 pounds. I’ve been in and out of the hospital because of health problems. My cholesterol level is high. I may have a fatty liver. I am scheduled for a liver ultra sound. My blood pressure is significantly high. I feel so sorry for myself, having to experience this at an early age. I am only 28 years old. I fear that I will leave my family behind at an early age. My daughter and my husband still need me. I want to spend more time with them. I started to think more for the people I love, rather than giving in to the temptation of pursuing pleasure. I’ve been managing what I eat for the past 2 weeks. I’ve measured my bust, waist and hip. I have set my mind to take care of myself and live a healthy life style. I’ve been brisk walking for 45 minutes a day for almost a week now and have been very watchful of what I eat. I’m starting to feel better. I really believe it’s all in the mind. I am going to post updates on my progress…hopefully to inspire people. I am targeting to lose 50 pounds before the year ends. I am also going to post special healthy recipes that would be helpful to others who also want to eat healthy food. I really am hoping for the best results. I am inviting people who are experiencing the same thing, or have already succeeded in achieving their ideal weight. Please do not hesitate to leave a comment, an advise, reaction or insights. Blessed be.

Mari0nette

Initiation

I have always procrastinated creating a blog because i fear endangering my devotion to traditional writing... I am now embracing technology and using it to my advantage.I may never find the time to sit back and just scribble my thoughts on paper. I always attempt to keep track of my potent thoughts. Now is the best time. My memory is no longer reliable. My creativity is dormant. My mind is preoccupied with so many mundane things. There are too many films flashing in my head..but they are all just a glimpse of something big. I feel trapped inside waiting to be redeemed. I want to feel alive. I want to unite with my consciousness. Oh how I miss spending time alone! Thinking about anything under the sun and moon, not worrying about time at all. I will once again wander in my creative path. I will make it the best path I could ever have. I will create beautiful things. I will create with my new hands. These two new hands of a wife;these two new hands of a mother.